It’s nearly impossible. Feelings are like waves in which, just as you think the high tide is gone and the low tide is here to stay, the moon alters its spin or angle or even thought, and the waves act up. The memories associated with those unwelcome feelings come spilling back onto the otherwise clean shore of your delicate mind, which is already cluttered with a billion and one thoughts. It’s the land version of stars, the number of opinions, pains, daydreams, fleeting observations, lyrics, images, and ideas that clutter the brain like an hourglass. But when this mound of identity becomes lost, spilled over, and taken in by these occasional, powerful waves…what then?
Uncontrollably, parts of you give in – they must. The pull of the waves, the haunting voices of the memories, the stormy feelings you thought you escaped. They all come back to haunt you, but not to answer any remaining questions. Though you probably don’t need to be reminded of this, no amount of what-if’s or he should’ve’s will undo what he failed to carry out while still in contact with you. He won’t be aware (as people sometimes can be; not everyone is in tune with the concepts of fleeting time and opportunity) that it’s the last time. Not everyone will say what needs to be said – either by choice or by oblivion. And no matter what, you can’t do anything about it, because they are a whole other person – a whole other world.
And, more importantly, once they’re out of a scene, they’re out. The steps you take won’t bring you closer to them, but only further away from where you originally were, as you. There’s no door to reach because there is no door. Everything’s closed once he leaves, and it’ll take a special pull of the universe to pluck a string and bring about a miracle. If it’s meant to be. Often, you won’t find out until you won’t need it, which is just simply annoying. Sometimes though, the world has too much on its hands and it can’t accommodate to everyone’s lack of closure. I thought the world could provide that much, but I learned that sometimes people really can leave you with the most crucial truths unexplained. They can leave you guessing for forever and a day and they’ll most likely forget until they get confronted with the same situation themselves. Only then will they realize that you were, in fact, their mess-up (because everyone needs a first mess-up).
That was my case, and quite frankly I still can’t forget it. I thought I walked back to my own world and closed my door, kept the waves off and rebuilt my shore, ever since the end of January. But again, the waves are pounding, threatening to seep in through my door and its chains and to wet my sand and take some of it with them, dampening my stability. Again. All I can say is to stop coming back. You left me in ruin by avoiding saying the most potent of truths… especially when it was my first confession. I deserved clarity, and I deserved closure. I’ll give you the deadline of my lifetime, waiting with my sanity bobbing in and out of my leaking heart. All I can say (other than the fact that I actually really don’t want to see you ever again) is that –
Do you even know what you’ve done?