inconsistent starlight

VSCO: blank-palette

It’s a choice to be happy.

It’s a choice to choose to be happy.

But I’d say, it’s completely natural to be unhappy. Unhappy meaning sad. A little worried. Anxious. To feel lethargic, or swollen as if a fat balloon of tears is waiting to be popped in each eye.

Sometimes the switch can happen all too instantly. It’s not even questionable if it happens that quickly, because you’ve no idea if you’ll be the same person as you were 5 minutes ago. Something completely different could happen, either within you or to you that’ll shift your mood 180 degrees. It could be just one thought, or the sudden pressing awareness of how heavy your limbs and eyes really feel that cause the switch. Or you could’ve remembered something that you weren’t ever thinking about until that point. Or, as is my case, your heart is pressing to have you see its true condition, even if you’ve no idea what it’s saying. Memory is a selective roulette. We’d like to think that, as holders of our brain, we yield control of it – but actually, it’s the other way around. At least, personally, memories and the emotions evoked from them – however vague – play a huge part in my mood, energy, and even song choice. Energy is limitless in its direction and shape, and so is mood (that is deriving off from that).

This is all just a fancy, long and swirly way of me saying that I get sad so automatically after I’ve had a relatively good day.

It’s so disheartening. Exhausting. Lonesome.

I’m so unstable, and I’ve still yet to figure out why. I must really need rest.

But where’s the time and my inner leisure for that?


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