Verse of the Day 1: Philippians 4:6
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God…”
This is something I don’t do nearly as enough as I should. It’s been a subject of concern for a while now, considering I fully know in my mind how valuable prayer is. Prayer changes hearts, lives, and at the very least moods. God speaks and heals through prayer, and it is an intimate time of building faith through confession. And most of all, it is where God can reveal Himself and show that He indeed works!
But I think its simply because my relationship with my parents is bleeding into mine with God’s. I don’t really tell my dad much, nor do I see him that much except during dinner. Yes, on one hand we’re alright because we know we love each other and to some degree it’s enough. Though usually I talk about everything with my mom, and do the most fighting with my mom too. With my dad, I’m told to simply obey because that’s Korean culture for you. And considering how my parents are growing older, they’ve shifted back in time towards old Korean culture and hierarchy when, before my adulthood years, they were freer and felt more like family. I know the youngest child hardly has any “power” in a Korean family, but there’s definitely a problem if I want to avoid both parents again. It’s one thing to express worries or to nag, but it’s another to constantly bag on me for not having and living by the same values. I think the root of the issue is the fact that – usually my mom – triggers an anxiety over the lack of “productivity” simply b/c she’s always been a hustler and she can’t see beyond that. Everything I say is futile unless we fight, and then I want to avoid her more. And it’s not like my dad chooses to speak encouragements over nagging either. I’m even more of a servant with both of them home.
Although, now that I’m back to dreading and avoiding them, no wonder these instincts bled into my perception of God. I very well know that He is nothing like my parents. Though I guess one part of me assumes that if even my parents are like this, then everybody else that holds “authority” over me must be worse. Everyone above me only tells me to do things without ever taking the time to understand me, and thus I avoid. Because I’ve had enough.
Though in times like these, prayer is beyond essential…and God can only show Himself to those who actively seek and are ready for Him, armed with experience and knowledge and love. He will hear me out with love and soothe my heart. I know this so well, but prayer is still hard…
Verse of the Day 2: Ephesians 4:1-3
“I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
Oh how I wish this was the goal of my family. If only we were as God-centered > culture-centered as the Gospel calls us to be. What makes this even worse is we’ll be celebrating my mom’s birthday in two weeks at my sister’s place…though that’s another story. There’s not much to say except family feels like the last place of ministry than the first. My most God-centered community is found in church rather than home – to put it bluntly. I really want to move out… why is it so hard to simply be able to spread my wings? No wonder I’m becoming more reserved and conservative.
I’ve further realized that I’m saying sorry too much to others for mistakes that hardly matter. Watching my words and steps extra carefully even to my most loved sisters. But of course, whatever happens at home and re-triggers these bad habits, would lead to this kind of outcome. Again, I’m losing myself. At this point I just want to run away to God and church only haha…